Some nights I feel like I'm suppose to just be quiet. Watch and listen to what's happening around me. Some nights though, when that happens. I don't want to listen. It isn't because I do not care. But because listening along to others makes my heart quiver to smallness, and my skin hurt like an ice burn. Tonight isn't one of those nights. But I did get lost in the shuffle of delivery and then buried under the gift of a mix. I try to be so dutiful and read along. But when I do have those nights where my skin burns.. Usually I retire early and go count the stars or watch the lights and all the while I'm thinking of what's happening as I'm sitting there. It's intimidating because I'm afraid I will never understand anyone enough to interact and love like they do. That I won't ever be able to find the right words to say to him and it's all going to end up a quaking lump in my heart.
Learning about the part of me they call richie (not capital), sheds light on me and Clyde now more than ever before. I have this memory, possibly one of the clear few I have with playing with him. There was a big field of tall grass where ptarmigan hid. richie loves baseball, and would go out on that field and throw baseballs high into the sky and hit them as hard and far as he could. Then we would walk together in the field looking for the balls, amongst the birds and the grass. It was scary to me, because I was always by myself. In these huge woods for miles and miles with nothing but the tallest of trees, animals and darkness. He made me feel that in a world so far away, I never was alone. When we were young and everyone was busy being in love with each other.. All I really wanted to do was sit around with Clyde and draw stupid little things. I don't know why I never asked.
I wonder, if there's too much want. My need for Clyde is insatiable, and it makes me feel gluttonous, greedy like I'm shoving cake into my face with my hands. Like Daphne, from that Porter video. My everyday is filled now with trembling hands. The last few nights with him leave me distracted during the day. I don't want to pay attention to anything. Anyone. Nothing. Everything. He has become a singularity in my universe and I hate to say that because it sounds disgusting and beautiful.
I can't just be the girl who eats the cake. Do I just take from him? This can't be like before where I'm vapid and terrible. I'm terrified of ruining this, ruining him. I know my quaking is unbecoming. I try so hard to be strong and fierce. The reality is that it's incredibly consuming. Please pardon my tears and self-questioning.