Oh, it’s you,

Had I known you were coming, I would have done nothing at all to prepare. I’m disinclined to speak to you as I do not speak to figments of the imagination. You will be gone so fast, that is all I can say that you are. However, I had been told if I wrote you one letter, it is the last letter I will be required to send to you, and I also could use the opportunity to warn you.

  1. We have shackles, and if you would like to preserve your safety, you should know where they are. They are in the closet off the foyer and under my bed.

  2. Villainy wears many masks, none so dangerous as the mask of virtue. Except for villainy.

  3. There are no locations in this house or anywhere else upon the Earth where you can claim sanctuary from the forces of vengeance.

  4. None of the televisions will respond to your wishes, no matter what kind of physical violence or remote control you use.

  5. Everyone here considers you their future ex.

  6. Don’t fall in love.

  7. Stay out of my room.

Hugs and Kisses,

Matthew Kettering, Room Two

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