E: Hi. How are you feeling?
B: not gonna lie, pretty fuckin alright
E: My understanding is you CAN’T lie.
B: lol yeah that’s true. See? I did it again.
E: This is kind of fun because we can tell everyone you took truth serum but we can’t tell anyone why. So I’ll have to be the one lying about that. And you just keep your mouth shut.
B: yeah careful you don’t ask me questions about that shit ok?
E: But you have to be a little nervous about what I AM going to ask you questions about.
B: yeah like a lot. I know we talked about it kinda but you’re a wild card and i can tell when you want to do some shit. I can feel it in my tailbone. You think about it and you wanna sneeze so you just keep that shit in check.
E: You’re not the boss of me.
B: lol yeah i am. See that’s proof cuz i can’t lie but you’re the boss of me too.
E: Did Betty ask you questions, too?
B: yeah she asked me some things but most of it i can’t say or we’ll get outted. Something she did ask tho is if i’m happy you know she doesn’t that to anybody cuz she hates it when we lie about being happy and she never TOTALLY trusts her mom instincts to tell her we’re ok so she asks. I said yeah.
E: I’m glad that you are. Especially because we’ve been doing such weird stuff.
B: you really think it’s weird? Like how weird?
E: Hard to say. I think it’s weird because it would be easy to see it as something bad. But then again, I’ve been tromping through your nihilism all day.
B: yeah. I like how it feels.
E: Nick wrote about the first time he got an erection today. You have also confessed that to me.
B: Yeah what’s with that? You’re like the boner police I guess.
E: I think you mean boner clergy.
E: I just blew your mind.
B: You did. I went down this rabbit hole of like if the universe had stations for measuring your junk and affording you power based on your dick size and w/e. I’d be a real mediocre kinda guy if that was true. Hey you know I wonder if that’s why it’s weird that I need to stop before I say too much.
E: No no, go on.
B: Well first of all there you go gettin all crazy. Second I was just thinking if having a real regulation size dick is why i like to kill with a knife cuz you know i like guns too nothhing wrong with ending a life by fire you know but i’m a knife guy and maybe it’s cuz i ne ok not like a i forget the word. Not like a COMPENSATION kinda thing but like it’s just wh this is fuckin hard to explain. I don’t know what I’m talking about.
B: No, I mean I KNOW I’m a piquerist but thank you. But I jus tmean maybe no I don’t remember what I was trying to say. Do you think about ever that you were supposed to marry me before you married Adam?
E: It’s crossed my mind.
B: Ever get a verdict on that?
E: I’m thinking about when I came home.
B: what about it?
E: Jack married you real quick before we could get close and basically kept it that way. Which is kind of easy to say. Maybe it’s more our responsibility than I usually like to admit.
B: No i think it was easy to use Jack as an excuse but ultimately our responsibility. The reason I was thinkin about it is cuz there’s this big fat like hole i guess sometimes when i think about us and it’s like I know this happens to you too so you have to tell me it does or I’ll feel like an idiot. So there’s the time that happened we know with me being your brother and there was Denton and Broadwood and we had our time and you wanted to be my reliable big sister and I wanted to be your gay husband and we could make it work like that and i remember that you know? But then I remember it another way where we weren’t connected by blood at all and it was quieter and you looked at me this different way and we had a secret or like maybe a lot of them and you wanted me and I wanted you. But we didn’t get together so there’s this hole of just lookin at each other sideways you know? That’s real, right?
E: Yeah, that’s real. Don’t say anything for a second.
E: Yeah, that’s real. Nothing happened with that and that was not because of Jack. That one is because of us. Maybe mostly me. I had the words for it before and now I can’t remember them. Kind of because of who I am and what it’s like in me, I don’t know that I could’ve ever acknowledged that with you then. And to be honest, it’s been a huge barrier for us, if that’s the right word. You can tell, I think, that I don’t always believe you love me. That’s all.
B: yeah I can tell and you can tell when i don’t believe you either. But it’s been a long time since i felt like that. I couldn’t break down your justified cuz i didn’t know that was something we’d get to do one day. Like that we were allowed to do that ever and when we did or started to break down all this justified all over the place I could be into it but the barrier had no way to come down because I couldn’t and you couldn’t because there were RULES. Shit we never talked about but still there.
E: Yeah. I guess I’m not concerned about it now because I don’t care if you do or don’t. But I am curious what you think was supposed to happen.
E: When there was all this other stuff you were talking about. You think that means we could’ve been married before me and Adam?
B: Yeah if something like one thing happened different. I think about that day you stole Adam’s shirt and I think if you took something of mine if it woulda been different. Or not took something from me cuz i would be pissed and ignore you but if you did something like in the same way that it was good for Adam like if you kissed me or something on purpose. Or if I did.
E: Well, the whole fucking world would’ve ended, for one.
B: You mean for Jack?
E: Yeah, and then probably subsequently for you and me and Adam even.
B: It’s pretty fuckin narcissistic but sometimes i think you spent a year in his bed just to make sure you could make it cool enough with everybody else to get to stay here with me.
E: Well, I’m slightly more diplomatic than that. I obviously did it so it would be cool to stay with ANYONE else.
B: Yeah. Yeah but in my head there’s a place i can get where that’s true and I don’t mind saying I go there a lot and I’d stay there if I had half a chance. permanently
B: where are you at right now?
E: The attic.
B: i’m gonna smoke a cigarette and you’ll smell it in like three minutes
E: Lol, okay.
B: What’s it like up there now?
E: Someone painted it blue. There are old flower pots but they’re empty. There are boxes full of looks like books and clothes. The couch is still up here.
B: i wish they left it yellow
E: How come?
B: idk i never liked it how it was before and i liked it a lot when you did it up yellow. Is the fridge still up there?
B: I used to sit in your room and listen to you fuck people up there sometimes. I’ve watched you fuck a lot of people when you didn’t know I was.
B: sometimes I wind up in the right place at the right time and it’s like I just should cuz it’s easy and sometimes i do it because I want to know if well like if i could get pissed off enough to flip the switch and really want to and really be able to kill that guy. Cuz you know, i can feel that. There’s a ledge. I can feel it when i’m going over it and listening to you fuck somebody else is good to hitch a ride on.
E: That’s a pretty big pill to swallow.
B: I wrote about it already some but it’s not done
E: It means a lot to me, you writing me back.
B: it means a lot to have the chance to. It’s all stuff i don’t wanna die without you knowing about and i wish it went a little faster but w/e.
E: I never thought I’d get to feel close to you and sometimes when we talk, I almost don’t want to because I basically am freaking out inside and I think I seem really composed which is nice but I’m not.
B: i don’t think you seem like composed. You don’t seem like you’re freaking out you seem like you’re talking to me really close and quiet and stuff. I’m freaking out but you can feel that. I can feel you are but you don’t seem like it.
E: So I want to ask you something carefully.
E: Are you sure you want to do this?
B: yeah i do. I want this cuz it’s time for it to feel like on our terms. That’s how i think of it like there’s this tornado of the past and how we did it before and shit but if we could stop right here. And just. Do this. Together. Right now. How we want. That could be cool and that’s what i want. Do you wan What do you want? I didn’t ask you wait i did but do you want this still?
E: Yeah and what you said is really nice and makes sense. I feel I should add that since we started staying together for lack of a better term, I’ve felt really good about… something. I’m not sure how to put it into words. I got really patient and really close to you and it felt like the right thing to be doing. You feel really good to me. I feel dumb when I say that.
B: Something i fuckin love about you so much is that when somebody around you is on truth serum you do the same thing. You try to be as truthful and straight forward and emotionally honest too that you possibly can be cuz you well, for two reasons. One is that you’re codependent but the other one is that you don’t think it’s fair if you don’t tell the truth too and that’s real special about you. Real special. And I know you meant you got patient inside but you were patient outside too and everybody could feel it like a current through everything cuz you do that. Everybody can feel it on the outside and everybody acts different when you’re feeling real patient not that it’s bad if you’re not because it’s not, it’s just louder.
E: It smells like a warm car up here. It’s really nice.
B: you smell my cigarette?
E: Yeah. It smells like we’re driving in spring.
B: There’s probably an ice cookie in the fridge i doubt anybody has cleaned it up in awhile
E: Lol I’ll have to look.
B: You don’t look stupid when you say that i feel good to you.
E: What can you hear where you are?
B: The dryer since they moved it to the porch and the tv is on in the other room. I got this song in my head from the basement too tho. It sounds like how it feels to make our grown up decisions and shit together and I was gonna give it to you but Rosie said I should just make it the song of the day. I hear somebody coming into the drive. I think it’s Adam. There’s lights too.
E: What’s the song?
B: changing stations by eyeless in gaza. Not normally my bag but when i heard it i liked it and it felt good
E: What do you want to do tonight?
B: i thought we could do what you know i thought we could do what we’re planning on doing. I thought we could stay here tonight. In the old house.
E: And we go find the turtle.
B: Yeah. Like uh….. Well like it would have been before kinda but how it is now. Us like we are. We could.
E: Like it’s our anniversary.
B: Yeah kinda but not like how it sounds like copying you and Adam it’s not like THAT.
E: No, I didn’t mean that, either. I meant like when people recreate their first date.
B: yeah except the one that didn’t happen i mean in this reality. Again. Part 2: This time it’s personal.
E: Lol omg
E: So that means…
B: You would come down here and we would go and find the turtle and we would come back to this house and go to what was our old room you know? And we would sleep there and yeah. Does that sound ok?
E: I’m thinking about how it happened the first time. And we couldn’t find any place to be alone. In the house, there must’ve been a party or something.
B: It was the day that Clyde came back from someplace. He went somewhere I can’t remember and betty and zora and mary and Jack and everybody was there. I don’t remember where Clyde went but Rosie was really mad. She wasn’t there but everybody else was. I tripped over the draper. It wasn’t hung up yet.
E: It was impossible to hang. It weighs like 30 pounds.
B: lol yeah.
E: And we went outside and it was getting dark and you told me we should go somewhere quiet. Because you have evil plans.
B: yeah i said i had an evil plan but right away i started to feel dumb cuz the swamp smelled so bad and i was about to take you right up to it
E: Maybe it was fall.
B: yeah it was like early fall 2011.
E: And you squirrel me to the swamp so we could get married?
B: well it was the boat house you gotta give me some credit, at least i made it so we were standing on hard ground but yeah that’s where i keep my best weapons so yeah. We had to make it official.
E: Well we have to go back there, then. First.
B: yeah. That’s how we’ll get to the turtle, there’s a way that the swamp gets like a curtain around it you know like to the black lodge but to other parts of world
E: Sounds dangerous. I’m in.
B: yeah and then we have to mix our blood when we get back
E: And then we’ll go upstairs.
B: yeah to our old room.
B: you got anything you wanna know while i’m at my most vulnerable?
E: No. But that’s only because I already think you tell me the truth.
B: there’s not much i don’t tell you the truth about and if i gotta lie it’s cuz it would hurt you to know it how i would say it but i always make sure you find out some other way.
E: I know. I love you.
B: i love you evie.
E: I have to eat so I’ll come down pretty soon okay?