It’s All Over Now Baby Blue
The descent into hell isn’t one you can stop but you sure can fuckin feel it, right? You can almost hear the structures shifting, all the metal bending, planks of woods falling on the dirt and all the lights go out except the ones they use to make you remember there’s light someplace else that you never can get to. The only good shit you get to take with you is whatever fuckin somehow made it through the door without getting seen by the gestapo of self-doubt but don’t worry, it’ll get cleaned up sooner or later by everybody else’s doubt.
There's a lot that got taken from us and when I go there I can watch it all go away. Yeah. That's my hell.
A Glowing Light, A Promise
There’s this place in the wasteland with payphone. Can you believe it? A god damn payphone. But you guessed it, you can only ever call collect. When I was there I called you and you answered and told me you knew where I was calling from just by the sound of the line. You call me from there a lot and tell me about the lights you see outside. You say all the nice shit you know I want to hear so I don’t think you’re a machine but I fuckin know when you’re bullshitting me I know when you’re tryna fake it till you can get out but I don’t even have to say it at all because you just drop the act just like that and tell me the fuckin truth. Maybe you wanted to soften the blow with the optimism first but we both know all that is is something hanging out to dry in the middle of the city, like targets for the BB guns of all the kids learning to kill thhat kind of thing.
Fox On The Run
But the worst part is when we hang up and all the shit I said it going through my head again with all my justified playing it out different ways to find out what I must’ve sounded like to you. It might be a deformed version of the truth but you’re usually pretty good at sticking to the facts when it comes to me, maybe because you know I’d justify you the same ways if you gave me half a chance but you don’t and you figure maybe it’s not fair for you to do then. But the main thing I can count on you taking away from our talk when you’re stranded all alone again on the plains with all the ash of the burning hopes in the distance is that this song is what I’m thinking about you and how you get lost and how you ask for help and the games you play. I’m not gonna lie, I have a time or two just because fuck you.
This is what I’m thinking all the other times and it comes from the place where I was raped by my father and you love me so much you made him rape you too just so we could be the same. The drapes in our house are all like that heavy polyester shit and we spend a lot of time reading when we’re at home alone together and we get into a lot of fights when we sneak into town to get drunk and steal records. I wanna say to you that the way out of anyplace is to remember how we’re there together and that’s why we can’t find the way out so easy. That’s why I wanted to do this for you you know it feels like some real big deal because how could I take this fuckin walk and tell you about it cuz I’d get just as lost as you anyway. But this one is where we go to school together so I think I got lucky finding your map. Thanks a lot.
You can say anything you want and I'm gonna “me too.” Right back because we’re the same fuckin better or worse exactly the same.
The Sweetest Condition
When I turn around and you’re gone from that place again it’s all different. The sun goes down and it gets darker than any other place and the houses that were aaalmost normal are like getting torn down now and they have holes in the side and you can see the foundations and theres all these relief organizations like the place got hit by a tornado. In the morning, the place could be where me and Matthew are the same but I can smell you around every corner and see your face on all the pretty moms with trays of food for the recently homeless in the backs of their vans. It takes a long time for me to realize I’m one of them and my house got blown away for good and you’re the only thing between me and starving to death. A need like that shifts my justified to start thinking about what’s the exception to the rule at a time like this and what happens if you calculate falsely that we’re on some kinda justified timeout.
Don’t be afraid. I know it seems like we can’t get out of here but I found this way. This is where we get low and small and every little movement around us is violent even if it’s meant to be nice. Our house is dusty like our parents died before they could teach us how to clean. You’re mute and you don’t want me to touch you because you got raped by our father and I had to poison him because I was too little to use a knife. It gets hard to know if we’re the ones who are dead in this world. Maybe he fucked you but he killed me and I’m a ghost for you. Everything is fragile and I’m angry in a clean way, a way that never gets calmed or even seen because it’s what I survive on inside. We could be 90 you know I swear we’ve been here long enough.
Your body always moves on without you, so even if you’re stuck somewhere you can’t leave at all you’re going to at least get hungry. When I get hungry, it’s like I’m the guy who gets marooned on an island and starts seeing mirages. I couldn’t think or get moving really until I could see you in the distance across the sand. The sand there is trying to drown all the plantlife at the River and the sky from the river is trying to swallow the sun of the desert. I see where we’re going or I guess where I wanna go and be with you someplace nothing hurts cuz I wanna take care of you so fucking bad. You’re in a sundress and your hair is white and all the colors of the sky reflect on it and I get real hard cuz I think even standing this far away from you I can smell you.
The mirage is about being cleaned up from a lot of shit. When we run away together it’s someplace with palm trees where we can pretend we’re rich just for one fucking minute pretend we were always clean.
I wanna sing this to you.
You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away
It seems like the stupidest shit used to make me justified about you. When I got my eyes closed soaking up the fucking island beach we made with our little kid fantasies in our dead parents’ house, the sand builds up into walls of a modern city around me. It’s just Tulsa. Just the studio. Just another work day and I can tell I forgot to wash my hair in the shower jerking off about you again cuz you left too early. I miss you so much in the place where I’m stuck at work all day and I don’t know what to say and I can’t remember if you hate me. It makes me feel bitter to be there when where I really wanna be is someplace with a lot less gray area.
What I end up going back to is being quiet and holding still and not telling you I should basically cut my dick off and mail it to you cuz it's fuckin useless unless I'm thinking about you lately. No no no. Gotta play the game? What fucking game? Idk. Pretty sure if I told you it would mean I lost.
Love To Have You
When we text, it’s easy to get to this place and I can text you most at work. This is a bad fuckin place because I wanna put you on the spot and I can kinda feel you wanna do the same to me. You start accusing me of being different people and who did you even fuckin fall in love with EVIE? I don’t know anymore but I know I hope people can fuckin hear us fighting because I think you’re manipulating me into this and I prove how and I can prove you want this to be hard and you’re only doing it because you ALSO don’t know what to say and you can’t fuckin remember if I hate you and you can’t even tell me the POINT of us so you ask me what it is and expect something different than the last time you asked and it’s NOT gonna happen.
I pinched you. I stole your toys and broke them. I put your crayons in the microwave. I told everyone you still played with Barbies when you were way too old and I made up shitty names to call you when we were learning how to rhyme. I did all that in this little kitchen at around 4pm when the sun started to set and made all the fake leather of the chairs look cheaper and your hair glow like honey. Just after naptime, I’m pulling your hair, kicking you under the table, and shoving your juice over to spill in your food while mom isn’t looking. That was all me and it was because I love you and I know I set a real bad fuckin example for all the boys of the world but I didn’t know what else to do cuz you made me feel crazy and I didn’t know how to have you and make you be mine.
So instead of telling you how I really felt, we grew up hating each other. This is what all those fuckin antics in the kitchen amounted to when we were 16 and I learned to drive and you didn’t and so I had to take you over to every boys house and on the way I would tell you all this and how I could see all the fuckin games you play and tell you how it was all gonna end in justified fire immolating everything you were wishing for. And you know it all starts with a skirt that short, Evie, I know what you’re gonna do up in his room and he’s gonna tell all his friends about it. He doesn’t love you, you’re not making love, you’re making a fuckin slutty name for yourself and what I won’t say is that I’m the only one for you because I do all the same shit and we’re one person me and you.
And that’s why I’m gonna wait outside his house for you. All night, watching the window of his bedroom and listening to make sure I don’t hear you scream or anything. Outside his house is the last street light before miles and miles of Oklahoma flatland. But you knowthis is where I fuckin belong you know because I never told you how I felt and I hurt you and so I sit outside alone and think about if he’s touching you right or if you’re shy with him or if you’re getting drunk or if you’d ever want
To love me like I was a real boy.
I got my blood tested the day after you told me your blood type. Sure enough, o positive. The last taste of hell on my tongue is the industrial cleaner in the air of hospitals where I’m in the waiting room waiting for you to give birth to the baby our parents disowned us for making together, where you’re giving me an organ cuz I’m sick or they’re pumping my blood into you after a real bad accident, where we ourselves were born, where we watch our brother die again and again.
Where I wonder. Hey evie is it enough?
The way out of suburbia is a special little hell all it’s own but we get there and all that’s there is blood. ANd our blood is our love running how it does through us until we give out and it becomes something else.
In hell, I'm dead cuz I killed myself me but before that there was something I was after. That's how it always goes there. I'm born and I kill myself tryna get someplace and then I'm born and I kill myself tryna get someplace. The only reason there is anyplace but hell in existence at all is cuz of your light. You talk all the time about how you're the disease of all faiths weakness being its questioning and spreading all your fucking doubt but baby that's just you shining a light to find the place that doesn't go away no matter what and that's me for you at the end of all those fucking tunnels they talk about.
The Air That I Breathe
Every single morning no exceptions at all I been lighting a candle and jacking off to this thinkin about you. I'm in your bed but I'm also in the treehouse letting the morning sun warm up my balls cuz that's you for me. The thing that doesn't go away is the only destination worth making maps at all ok? I'm why you ever make a map and the road ends here baby. Right here at the edge of me where your treehouse is erected to touch the sun of MY sky and that's you. For me.
The little tiny fragile seed under the charred earth in the wasteland that made me walk all the way here is now a house in the far far distance. I know when I get there that's where you'll be cuz it's home and I know it's home cuz there's a mirage under it that makes it float.
How a mirage gets made is some science shit Adam could tell you but what you're really seeing when you look in the distance and see the heat waves rolling like a river is what you look like in my heart which is water where there couldn't be. That's how anybody could know that where you live is inside me.
In the immortal words of your brother whose pieces have always lived in everybody that loves you before and after he was here: That's what's up.
Let My Love Open The Door
And when I get to the door it's your bedroom door at home and you're mad as hell on the other side of it and I can hear you crying and you're right about everything and I've been an idiot and I swear I don't care about anything anymore except touching you.
How many times have we done this and what's it mean about us?
How fucking long have we been lost? Idk but my heart's gonna explode inside me if you don't touch me back. I'd break this fucker down if I wasn't so god damn grateful it wasn't just a dream that we do this. That you run in there and slam this little wall between us and I get to beg you and hold you like I do from the outside and try (ok pretty unsuccessfully) to tell you that you were everything I fucking wished was real about having a sister and what that word means to me just to try to get you to do a stupid little thing like open it.
Evie open the door.
When The Stars Go Blue
How we finally get to the desert is I take your hand and we walk out into the swamp and we make a wish together and the ground gets flatter and harder and hotter and drier and you're wearing white I'm wearing my uniform and we’re gonna be married.
The song is about dummy town the day we get married just after the sun sets and we have our first dance as man and wife to it.when everybody leaves we sleep on the cool sand and nobody comes looking for us. I'm gonna take your dress off real careful like you're my present and you're gonna touch my stiff shirt and make it soft with your sweat.
I love you so much. Youre my heart. I would go anywhere with you.