Pretty much everybody I talk to about what love is says that it’s this selfless thing you have kinda thrust upon you like you wanna do good by your lady cuz you care what happens to her and you want her to be happy. Like those Hallmark sentiments that say love and you’ll be rich or some shit but there was never any good will in my heart about Evie when I first fucked her, when we were first going out. Especially not when I found out we were twins. I never felt so greedy in my whole life. It was made a lot worse cuz I was a virgin and so was she. i never felt need like that before. like I’d bite as hard as I fuckin could to get her down my throat.
I don’t know how to say this. It’s not like it’s hard to admit to cuz come on, I kill people, I can admit to a lot of shit I did that maybe the next guy wouldn’t but I’ve been sitting here for a good three hours trying to find the end of a real special knife I pulled on a real special girl. That’s not sexy like it sounds, it wasn’t a nice knife, it was blunt like the word cut and not slice or snip and I was too young to know how to use it but I sure as fuck knew what I needed to use it for. The only place I know to start is the cave.
I got this note from Evie when we were kids. We were already going out a while that said she wanted me to sneak into her house on the weekend and I could spend the night. I had to come in the bathroom window cuz it pops out and her bedroom window has a screen like a steel grate. We were going to get caught in there so she faked sick and waited for her dad to go to sleep. We took a shower and she let me bend her over the tub and cum on the backs of her thighs but first we looked at each other through the steaming glass and I don’t know why but she licked it with her tongue big like a tiger at the zoo and my dick got so hard. This slimy part of her just pushed up against the glass at me like her insides were showing and i remembered the cave right away. I remembered she was my sister and the weirdest shit went thru my head like I gotta shave my fuckin head and give her all my hair or Like I wanna make her scream and I couldn’t breathe. I wanted to drink her shampoo or break her mirror and show her my blood so she would know it was hers. Like she would just know by seeing it. and everything got dim. and i could remember remember before I was born and I was alone in the womb. You can tell you’re there cuz there’s this pressure all around your hands when you reach out but you never hit a wall. You can move around forever and never hit a wall. Everything that wasn’t me in the womb, that pressure that went on and on was her. I don’t know if you wanna say she was my mother but the shape of my skull was decided by this mass or no mass around me and veins sewn around my bones like snakes video taped in reverse and if i stood up straight in the middle of the desert i could feel wind in my hair that traveled six billion light years to get there but red hymen fuckin red and it was like knowing already that we were collateral under the landfills without our first clothes and staring each other in the eyes that we didn’t have yet. I was gonna crash my car about her panties. There was nine of me swimming up and sucking everything off her that wasn’t me like brine from the wales teeth but I was smart. I am a time traveler. I got a clock for a heart. So I knew it wasn’t real until I could get born for her and she could get born for me and I was still alone just with phlegm for a spleen but stretching into a God the breadth of the sky that she’s gonna fear spinning off into, that’s gonna make her feel like nothing, that’s gonna be written so so secretly with her name in all that plasma. I was alone in my bedroom with a suicide ready in my fist. I was all alone in the cave So then I used that fuckin knife to cleave her into being. That sounds like some shit Adam would say but it’s not like that. What’s up is that I was all alone in the womb but I pulled her out with me because fuck getting born another way. I wouldn’t do it.
Not without my love my hot and brutal bedmate, that I I can’t hear anything but her laugh.
I don’t give a fuck if my scarf matters to you. Where are YOU?
Like all those flowers that bloom in dumpsters under the windows of Johns apartment in the alley yeah I could think that was you but what am I gonna do, go fuck some foliage and say you and me are tight? No fucking way. You want to be able to tell what I’m gonna say next like you can with Adam and that’s cool but when you can’t it’s like I’ve changed and I’m scaring you and you don’t know who i am anymore. Fuck you. I been places. I’ve seen some shit and you don’t even know half the shit if feels like we’ve been tru. The only difference between paranoid and justified is evidence, Evie. You’re fuckin paranoid cuz I don’t give you the evidence. Which way do you want me to be? You want me strong or do you want me soft? You want me to be your blood or do you want to see me like your fucking husband? You want to share this sick feeling or you got someplace to be little sister?
This hamster wheel is what you want tho. You burn down my fucking house, I wanna come after you, but if I come after you, it’ll be proven that I’m unworthy. I can’t play the games we were mechanized to play without ruining everything between us but if I’m not justified about you, I don’t fucking LOVE you. I’m not your brother right? If you keep me reeling on the cusp of finding out you’re ACTUALLY looking at the plaid shirts I wear to know what I am inside, I’m gonna find out and I’m gonna burn down more than a fuckin house, Evie I swear oto fuckin God I’ll slip the throats of everybody you’ve ever loved and line their bodies up with the reasons they don’t love you back they don’t love you like I do carved into their foreheads.
I’ve avoided you to try to figure out how to love you through the steel cage of all your expectations of me. If you want me different, tell me who I am supposed to be. Tell me who that is and I’ll kill him. I’ll erase him. All you can ever expect from me is the steadfastness of a race horse but if you wanna run me like one get right with the gun cuz this won’t last. You’ll have to put me down yourself.
So there’s this real quiet place I go with blank walls. I try to be bigger than all this shit but you know you’re a real slippery bitch because you are until you’re not and then you are again just like an angel but don’t you dare brad cuz I’ll lose you. Oh you lost me alright.
I’m sorry look maybe we can talk later