Evie,

So there was this night, a real quiet night and I was outside this gas station waiting for rosie and jack and i was all tripped out by the patterns of oil on the concrete convinced it was a map of the world and I was writing in my notebook.

So how time works is there’s this one night right and it’s got these attributes like it’s muggy and my shirt sticks to my chest and this thing happens where I’m at this convenience store and I get into a confrontation with the cashier and and then I go home and go to bed. If I travel through time, I can go back to the beginning of the night before I drove my happy ass to the store or after the shit head behind the counter decided to screw with me.

When I got inside the air was cold and the machines were all humming at different frequencies like a headache and the milk bottles in the back those old fashioned kind were clinking together softly in the fridge. THe coffee was sweating in this dim little corner of the 7/11 or circle K or whatever the fuck AM PM. It was real small inside and you were sitting behind the counter doing your homework.

I was thinking you know it doesn’t fuckin take much to get somebody to kill you. It’s harder to kill yourself. Killing yourself means you have to think about what happens to all the shit you own once you’re gone and if your mom is gonna be ashamed of you for all the porn you kept under your bed. To kill yourself you gotta try to forget all that shit and fuck me it’s hard to forget this world until you’ve already left it trust me. Yeah but somebody else doesn’t have all that in the way, all somebody else needs to kill you is a will and a way. Those are easy things to supply.

Doing your fucking. Homework. Look I don’t know how else to say this but even if we were togethr and happy and you knew who I was i might’ve wanted to shoot myself in the face right there because i can’t think of what the fuck else to do ok? I’m just going along in my life and there you are looking up at me like that with that look. hey why do you look at everybody with the same look like you knew they were coming and you think they’re gonna make a stupid joke? That fucking look. Did you expect me? Fuck you Evie. Nobody ever fucking looked at me like that but you and you look at everybody like that. What the fuck do I need to be alive for after that?

How infinite alternate dimensions work with time is you only get a girl pregnant one time and that’s the time you first blew your load in a girl and the act of pregnancy is the only thing that stays the same but it means there was only that one fuckin time, no matter how much it feels like it was two different girls, one your wife and the other some slut who let me call her Evie. She might be believing that Christmas comes once a year but that shit only happened once and every time she thinks the calendar came back around again and we get to celebrate the birth of our lord jesus fucking christ, she’s just WE’RE ALL just reliving that night over again  just different distances from the star of bethlehem. Time travel is reality travel. Even if you tweak a couple minutes here or there, a day, a week, a month, there’s only one year, one month, one minute, blah bah. Look I don’t expect it to make sense how I say it but it’s like an accordion and depending on who’s looking it’s contracted or expanded.

Yeah but I was there cuz you didn’t love me and you didn’t know me and I thought hey I could take this shit into my own hands. I had Clyde’s gun so I thought it would be easy. I could pull one trigger and make it all go away. I was going to be unavailable to you and you were unavailable to me like if there was a door between us several dimensions thick. Yeah so there’s this door between us but just one fucking lock isn’t shit up against this shotgun.

something all those sci fi nerds kept trying to prove was that it was a bad idea to go back in time cuz you didn’t know and you COULDN’T know what you were fucking up just by crushing a fly or w/e. they were right. traveling through time and knowing you’re doing it is a real bitch cuz you could fuck shit up. you could do it real bad. Yeah so what you gotta do is keep it together. You go to all the places at once that you need to go to change things in all the right realities at all the right times so you’re left with a cohesive existence hitting the notes on key.

When I whip out the betsy, the plan is death by law enforcement but holding onto reality long enough to be completely sure I’m doing what I came here to do is hard cuz I’m wearing a turtleneck or maybe I’m choking on my Slurpie or I’m in a wheelchair with a tracheostomy pipe in my throat or when I try to shoot I know it’s jus tmy finger and I’m clicking my tongue and winking like a douchebag at this fucking beautiful girl. But really when I got the barrel pointed at your head, I’m starting to cry and it tickles like crazy

This night is expanded until I make the choice to start contracting it myself. I’ll do it real slow. It is it’s own man with it’s own feelings and uniqueness until I look at the other nights happening at the same time. And yeah I’ll contract all this time and space and everything but there is one reality I’m after and one thing I gotta do there and what I do in the realities all overlapping that reality which I’m focused on, which I call the center reality, is all just what I gotta do to make sure this thing I’m gonna change doesn’t destroy Pluto or some shit.

When shit gets like that I’m just a smear on everything I touch with the hundred million different directions I could go or shit I could say to you, the night time cashier in your parent’s Snappy Snack Shack. but behind the counter you turn into a fat arab or my dad or this fucking punk who stole my girlfriend and I just shot him and he’s falling backward and exploding all the cigarettes from the shelf or it’s this nazi son of a bitch who promised me I could be in his gang last week but he beat the shit out of me instead.

My voice  is ringin in my head like talking into a tin can its

like somebodys making vibrato with their finger on my my b rain waves.

The details get fucked around but in the CENTER REALITY I was born earlier and one town over. We’re not together and you don’t even know I exist. Call me juvenile but I didn’t fuckin like that.  I went to this particular time for one reason. I wanted to kill myself there for you. this problem of us not being together, I’m gonna throw some of that romance of mine at it. That shit you said you like that wet kind of love you lick off my fingers at the end of ever y night I have to strangle my dick quiet to hear anything but the pumping sound of oursameness.

i don’t know who the fuck i am anymore evie except this quiet kid.  all these nights where I’m slightly different people trying to accomplish far far different goals is this hot deck of cards getting shuffled on my face. I think about the coming moment like an anvil  getting lowered real slow but that’s just my heart. I’m wearing my army jacket and it’s too big on me , my hair is in my eyes but not so much that i can’t see you and that look on your face. maybe we could go out some time. maybe you could tell me who i am.

i know my name is gonna be in the paper cuz i

I don’t know where it all went wrong but it was my fault for sure.

The bell at the door went off, somebody coming in behind me, and they all had puke brown uniforms, red bands with swastikas on their arms. i got pushed forward and i was turning around to fight back but  it was just fresh wind

I was falling.

it was like time opened up it’s mouth and swallowed me and washed me down with an ice cold coke.

just clouds forever

i had enough time to scream until my voice went out and to try to wake myself up like it was a  dream and enough time to get right with being totally nuts before i ever saw even the idea that earth still existed so i could know i was falling toward it and when i did i had a real long time to get right with my death before i realized i had a fuckin parachute lever slapping me in the ear.

-Brad

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