Gradient: Hola, Cuchillo. Hey, I’m even on time.
Matthew: I hate being on time. Can we just stop and make them wait for an hour or so?
G: We could, but I don’t have nada to be doing anyway. You got somewhere to be?
M: Yes. I have a life.
G: You know you gave up that life the second you hit the sidewalk, mijo.
M: You are speaking for yourself. I still have my life and I can leave this house whenever I would like to do that. This place is for pussies anyway.
G: Lol that is true. I got pussy whipped bad in here, si?
M: Yes. I am not mastered only the rest of the Care Bears are.
G: Mastered? You mean you don’t have no pussy to tell you what to do.
M: I am not told what to do by pussy, I tell pussy what to do.
G: Si, si. Sure. What you tell that pussy to do last night? Cuz that’s not what I heard. Hey, Mijo, you think this is what people pay to be hearing?
M: I was out numbered last night, that is not a fair representation of the way of things, Papa.
G: I think I get you. I get outnumbered too, but that’s the way I like.
M: It wasn’t bad. I am not complaining.
G: You spent the day talking to Jack, si?
M: Yes. Though I was… someplace else in my head for much of the time.
G: Tell me about this place.
M: I had been thinking of the things which we could have been doing instead of what we were doing presently then.
G: I wonder when that happens to me, are these memories or wishes.
M: I do not. I know it is that I am bored.
G: The wishes, then.
M: If you say so.
G: What did you want to be doing?
M: I would have had a better time if we had been hiding our intentions and suspiciously making moves under the table and manipulating the conversation toward getting each other’s secrets and being the winners.
G: If I know you at all, I know you were already. Did you fail to gain secrets?
M: No, I had gained secrets, it’s only that it was easy to gain the secrets which I gained and there was no fight and she did not know I was doing it.
G: I wonder if you can see which I want from you now.
M: You do not want any yet. You are still feeling as if someone is watching us. I can tell.
G: I think someone is always watching us, si? That’s what happens to the men who believe in God.
M: Yes, it is. Though this is differentiated. You think someone is watching as an audience and not a father. I can tell you do not believe we are alone in your room. I would like it if you did. You might if I say the right thing, it has happened before when we have talked all night in your room before.
G: I wonder what the right thing is to make me believe something. I think it says something about me that i do not want your secrets but you didn’t say I don’t want to show mine.
M: You are showing yours always whether you want to or you do not want to. You are an open book.
G: You always say that like I got the clap, too.
M: It is as you are a sickness. When one person tells the truth, it is easy for others to do that as well. It spreads and I think it is retarded.
G: Si, but your poison spreads also, Mijo. Someone tells a lie and hides their intentions, and it is easy for us all to do the same to keep ourselves safe from that lie.
M: I very much enjoy to think of the two of us as competing diseases.
G: That would mean that regardless of virus, all communication is an illness.
M: You sound like Adam with all of that language is a virus stuff. I believe that is right though I know there is no cure or treatment therefore I cannot see how the… english is hard. May I say it in French?
M: Le statu quo ne peut pas etre la maladie, la maladie c’est le changement.
G: I wonder about who said that first, but it wasn’t you.
M: You seem as if you do not know anything. You wonder and wonder and wonder and wonder.
G: Some nights I don’t know anything. Some nights we teach it to each other. You wanna know what I think?
M: No. I want to know what you know.
G: I know that no matter which disease wins, the honest or the justified, I still end up using both to get my dick into something, and that seems like maybe a good idea some nights and a bad one on others.
M: I have never honestly gotten laid. I have always used lies.
G: She get wet?
M: No doy.
G: And you got hard. Truth is right there, if you ask me.
M: That is some hippy bullshit.
G: Nah, you hear me out on this. The lying come from all the things your society say you gotta do to make it okay to want someone.
M: Take that to a rape trial.
G: Maybe I’ll have to someday. You can watch my hanging.
M: The day you are hanged for rape is my birthday.
G: Good, I got a little time til December.
M: You are the funniest guy that I know who I do not wish to kill.
G: That is highest praise, mi amor.
M: You are afraid of what we are doing.
G: What makes you say that?
M: Since you are not speaking to me as if we are alone, it is like I had said.
G: You don’t like this place we’re in, or who I’ve had to be here.
M: I like it fine though it is not us.
G: What would be us?
M: If I say to you that I am afraid of what I have done and you do not ask me what I have done, you only let me say it and then you do not tell me your tentative “I wonder how… I wonder when… I wonder if… Maybe you…” and you tell me what to believe.
G: You haven’t said you are afraid tonight. You have been with Jack all day long, and you seem like you have had to say a lot on your own about our world.
M: You know that every time we have spoken since last year I have told you I am afraid. You knew that it was coming if I was going to be honest in a fucking stupid live event and I know you were pretending that is not what we do as to not embarrass me in this place. I am afraid. I am only allowed to admit that to you and I am only in touch with the place where I am afraid at all when I am in this place with you which we always go and not the place where you are on a stage like this. I am afraid. There. Now, please be with me where we can be alone now and stop being in the spotlight wondering.
G: Alright, alright.
M: I have done some shitty shit.
G: You want something to drink?
M: No but I would like some marijuana, please.
G: No problem.
M: What I can say for myself that is new and better than before is I only very slightly want to hurt anyone. Her. I only slightly want to hurt her though I have restrained myself.
G: The restraint is good because it’s a lie that don’t hurt nobody. That is your side and my side, working for the same thing.
M: I have lied to keep from being myself that would tear her apart. It is not for the act she puts on of being fragile. It is for my own self and that she has done nothing to deserve it. I have been doing like you suggested and tried to think of people as deserving since I do not consider it when I see where I can do damage. You had said I could choose where I put my chaos instead of chaotically spreading it everywhere. I had thought a long time on if she deserved it and so far she does not.
G: What has made her undeserving to you?
M: Her lies are told for a purpose to make life more livable to herself and gain my love. When people do stupid things to be loved I do not believe they deserve to be hurt. Mostly.
G: I am looking through many mirrors. Her lie that she is fragile has betrayed the truth that she is too fragile.
M: Yes. I had thought that as well before and I had thought of mercy. I had let her lie since it was merciful to her need to lie in the first place.
G: Your want to use lies would have always permitted her to lie back.
M: She is only allowed as long as I see no reason to out her. It does not mean she can lie only since I am also lying. I may lie all I would like if she cannot out me. I know that this is against what you have told of different realities though I am telling you these things to be right with you. Since I want you to tell me what is real.
G: I have said before that there is no such thing as a lie. Only another reality being shown without its own context.
M: Oui, Papa.
G: But this is different for you, since you can feel how she moves from reality to reality, looking for things which would support something she is trying to make you feel.
M: Yes. I do not wish to feel she is lying or fucking with my head though most of myself feels this way. I would like to walk to the reality she would like to show or that she lives and understand. I feel I am running out of time to do that before I may hurt her.
G: What do you think she wants? She did not travel here or to all these other worlds only to fuck with you. She wants your love, si, but what else?
M: I do not believe she knows, beyond that. My idea for what she wants comes from a reality so differentiated from the one she shows to me that she is coming from that I have so much trouble believing. It has to do with royalty though I do not want to say more than that.
G: People who act from love and do not know what they want can sometimes do harm, and hurt others, although unintentionally.
M: This is what she has done many times and myself also. I know this.
G: I believe it’s very hard for you to allow this.
M: Yes. Though it is as I have said, it seems as it is status quo.
G: But you are the disease of change, oui? Or you would like to be. Which means you already have thought of ways to change this.
M: The mercy has been the first way I have thought to change it. Most of me is disgusted by it though I continue when I can. But it is as I said, I feel I’m running out of time to keep being merciful.
G: And then the mercy will end and you will use your talons.
M: Yes. This is what I am afraid of.
G: I have two trains of thought. Perhaps they will crash tonight. You believe a lie she is telling is that she doesn’t remember you. Is that right?
G: Then she will know or expect your talons.
G: And this is an option for you because then if she say she is hurt, she will still be lying and you will know then… on which side of this line she will remain. What I mean is, you want your talons to be met with hers.
M: That is the best case if I must use my talons. I would hope that she would withstand it.
G: It is not your choice to become the thing which would do this. You are waiting, and that’s good because she has her time that she may need to decide the truth for herself. But when this happens, it will be when I am not there and you will just move to that world. It’s possible you’ll move there together.
M: I do not wish to be there if she does not. I cannot think she wants that or she would not have built the lie in the first place.
G: She built that world thinking she knew how it was here. She never knew how it was here. This lie is the best answer to the hurt she felt when she left. She believe she caused offense. She believe she was picked apart because she don’t work right. This girl is small because small don’t matter enough to pick apart or offend. She never wanted the consequences of her actions. This girl don’t take no action. This world is her hell, Mijo, you feel that. Non, pardon. It is her attempt to leave it. It’s what she think hell wants from her.
M: When I was brought back here, I had known nobody here would accept me since I am not a thing to be accepted by anyone or a group of anyones. If some people had said there is a type of person they do not accept, I will become that type of person. Though when I came here, I was accepted. I am accepted when I hurt people and when I am a disease and I am picked apart. I do not understand why… am I a Care Bear?
G: I would say you are like us in the way you know who you are, and YOU have tried always to accept it. And how you do not run from the confrontation of that. Your woman was born with the curse over her we all have learned well - she don’t know who she is, and she don’t want who she is, and she won’t LOVE who she is.
M: I hate when you are right. It is annoying as fuck.
G: At least you a Care Bear of self-love. That’s the kind you wanna be, right?
M: I do not wish to be a Care Bear of any fucking kind, thank you. I hate the Care Bears and their silly fucking shit. I hate that you are right that the answer is she doesn’t know how to love herself. That is the most retarded answer I have ever heard. I am so angry.
G: If she built the world she won’t cause no fuss, maybe she wanna love herself. Starting with nothing isn’t so bad an idea.
M: You are biased.
G: Si, very. But that is not the only thing. You know… I will tell you something now I never told you. When she was home once before, she got mad at me because I painted her room. You know what she say? She say she wanted a blank space to think.
M: Though she was not actually mad.
G: I think back and I think maybe she was. She never knew how to yell and scream, si? She just go “oh thank you I guess, I was gonna do this other thing but maybe this will be okay.” I don’t know if she was mad. I know she didn’t take the paintings down, and maybe that was more about me than her.
M: I believe I am letting go of my love of who she had been before. I have made peace with that it had been a lie of the most part. Now I have a new wish and I am looking to you to put a glass globe over it and lock it down and keep it safe. That is what this is about.
G: You wish for her to come back?
M: No. I wish to know who she actually is.
G: And you weep for her already.
M: I am crying for the fucking futility, okay?
G: Si. I will keep it safe, Matthew.
M: Thank you.
G: Cela ne peut pas finir ainsi, Matteo. Je ne le permettrai pas.
M: Dis moi quoi faire.
G: I believe you can tell her all you have told me tonight, and even that you know her - that you know her true name - and make her understand what it is you are asking for. I believe if anyone of us told her she could tell us the truth, she wouldn’t believe. But you, and maybe only you, have the chance to make her see that she is beautiful. But that is only if you hold this wish in your own heart longer. Voulez-vous etre un imbecile pou l’amour?
M: No. Not where it can be seen by the world though I can do it where it is only my business. I am a fortress still no matter how much I have a crush on a girl. I am my own.
G: Ensuite, vous devez lui permittre de mentir.
M: I will. Je vais la laisser mentir jusqu’a ce qu’elle ait besoin de dire la verite et je l’accepterai comme un putain d’Ours de Soins.
G: We shake on this now.
M: With blood.