I don't know how bad it was. I don't condescend to know those things. At the roads I get begged at a lot. "You don't know how bad it is." They say that and they're not wrong, verdad? It's not my job then to know how bad but weigh the gold and the other gold and make an arrangement.
I'm not indifferent, I know how bad it could be and that's how bad it will always be in my thoughts. I don't need to know how bad it was, mi Evelin. I would take your hand if it's not so bad, ask you to take my hand if you're burning to ash. If you feel pain at all, I don't need to know how bad but I will listen to you say to me what is happening to you.
Before L found me, Que Sera was my favorite song. That became untrue when I heard her voice for the first time. The night we met, I was falling asleep and she argued with Adam. I heard her say something about a dead end. I was dreaming or half dead. She said if there was a dead end, that was this man on the bed. She said the only thing that cannot exist is a dead end. Do you know who I am?
I'm whispering it to you now. Evelin, I'm the place where the road ends. Mi novia, she cannot end. No one can end because they don't have the absence of all things inside, even absence. I thought I would never be loved if anyone knew I kept the empty world inside me the way you keep our Eden. Que Sera.
Gradient is not my name. That's not what I am. I do not believe that is my name. Gradient is the only word in the human language that means my wife to me. Not L, not Gabriel. Mi esposa Bonita es Gradiente. I am a nameless thing. No sound, no color, no nothing. Isn't. Nought. If you want to know what to call me, say the name of the thing which brought me. Not why but how I exist is because Gradient.
I still want to know why. I'm still asking what. Philosophers made me feel I'm not alone. Your letter makes me feel I'm not alone. Silly questions, little big man. You ask silly questions. Who cares? Nobody, si? That's me, Evelin. Nobody. I am crying now. You don't think my questions are so silly or you wouldn't be looking at me so serious when I press the flashlight to my palm to make my blood glow red and say I wonder if a soul the same as a heart.
I believe in mind over matter where pain is concerned. Is my mind the same as my soul? The only two things that strike fear in the hearts of human beings is pain and uncertainty. The simple me knows that. His name is Poco and he's happy. Do you know why he sleeps? Because he knows dreams are the simple places. His direction is down. Down to the wire, down to the core. Boiled down.
Ruthie surfs on waves of complexity. He never stops moving and he makes things happen. If things are looking too clear, he uses drugs to muck them up again. If he were to fall asleep, I would become quite confused. Poco won't sleep if Ruthie will and likewise. There are days I think I'm only just the two of them. That's a simple sort of day, of course.
I think when you say you're a girl I think about being a musician and I think it feels the same. Making music is what keeps the forever. I wrote a song and it doesn't ever get forgotten. I'll write a song about mi Evelin's blood and her brother's, the way they run her back into herself.
We are fierce little girls. I won't forget. I have maybe said that 10 times in my whole life. You can trust me most of all when I say I won't forget.
Sometimes I think innocence is the only thing that can protect itself. A lot of innocence goes through my hands every day. A secret I can tell you is that none of it is hot. I don't discriminate, I can't afford it. More than half of my inventory on any given day is stolen items. Never come across some stolen innocence. I used to think it was because if it is lost, it's lost for good but mija, nothing can be lost for good without my say so. Where is the innocence a person has lost if I never see it? I think only God knows that or your little half tiger.
What does it show us, mija? The first thing I wanted was love. Men, real and soulful men, they want love and ask for it with a diamond strapped to the symbol of foreverness. A ring is a circular sound that comes from a bell or a telephone which is sometimes called a siren. When love is the question I think the answer is L. My question is how can I love an act of violence? I'm not so strong for that I think. I can love knowledge. Is that how to love a machine?
I want you to tell me who you are. It doesn't matter if I think I know. I would listen to you, oui. I did ask you to tell me since the day we met au paradis. J'écoute. I am listening.
I have been to war and died in a war but I'm no soldier. A soldier knows he's doing the right thing for the right reason and the real war begins when he doesn't know that anymore. All soldiers are children. Betty Friedan said it's dangerous to confuse children with angels. She was a small minded fraud. Children are angels. Soldiers are angels. You, mi Evelin. You are an angel.
You're talking to the machine to me like she could tell you something not about you. You do it like that to show me what you're thinking but have you done that ever for real? Have you ever walked up to the machine and asked it's name? In fairy tales sometimes plants can talk. Is this a fairy tale, Eve? Maybe your tree can tell you why she's so sad.
John Lennon wrote all the best fairy tales and we all live in a yellow submarine. The machine is the Blue Meanies, si? L's favorite song on that album is Hey, Bulldog. What's yours? Mine is Nowhere Man. Clyde's is It's All Too Much. Adam's is Sea of Holes. Brad's is... I forgot to ask anybody else. Will you ask him for me? Songs from the movie that are not on the album count.
Lo ciento, I get carried away. Si, light. That's what I see when I look at you. It doesn't matter if I know how much you love me. I want to hear it. I want to listen to you tell me. I know you will tell me because you don't ever go out.
I don't want to live in a world where happiness only belongs to those who have been dealt the hardships to match. That's the rules, posted up like at a public swimming pool or a concentration camp. Sometimes I don't know the difference. Does it make me ungrateful to have dissatisfaction with the world? I love the world, I love this earth. I'm dissatisfied with it's machines. L would want me to realize I have conflict with things.
Victories are just more rules, verdad? I win. Yay. No. No, thank you. Try again. Is that where the rules disappear? It seems right. Try again. I'll try again. I like to try, I told you. Let's try. Adam is listening to me. Did you know he listens to people if they're talking about you or writing you letters? He says try is an elegant sounding word. Do you think that?
There is a place we can get to where no one is allowed to come and bring us back. Sometimes the distance between here and there is long. For L it's one step, for you it's many more. Look at all the lonely people, Evelin and don't be one of them. I'm here. You want to make things fit, chica? I'll give you a head start. I fit with you and you fit with me. Does that help? If it doesn't, I don't lose because losing is just another rule. If it doesn't help, I'll try again.