When you say you wanna marry me, I just stare. I'm not thinking. I'm not smiling. I'm just staring. Do you love that? Say my name, Evie. My name is Joel. Say it louder than you say anything else. Love does, sure it brings me firepower. You're love. You bring me it. How much do you really believe your name is Evelyn? Tell that to me. You could whisper that.
I use to know the difference between want and need maybe. I see Jim in my dreams and he's with Jim and they walk away from me when I make jokes about where's the naked indian. I'm disjointed. Spend too much time thinking about dead birds. I smoke too many cigarettes. I'm always too scared when it's time to do something and when I'm ready the chance is fucking gone. I can't tell the difference anymore. Sometimes fainting is the only way to clear my head. I put this Virgin Mary trading card on Clyde's dash. I'd like a piece of that, he says. Don't be fucked up for once. Don't be sacrilegious. If I knew the difference I wouldn't make stupid jokes and Jim would come back to talk to me. Maybe he'd even bring Jim. Maybe burn the fucking house down if I could tell the difference.
Killing is killing whether done for duty, profit or fun. I kill for fun. Sometimes you're cruel like me. Don't be. You'll do it until its too late one time maybe and then you can't put it down in time. Don't do that, little sister. You'll make the wrong joke and somebody you want to stay is going to walk away. Maybe not far but they'll start walking right before you remember who you are. And you're not cruel. Only thing I knew for sure before I met you was that I'm animal. Not the kind you talk about in your letter. The animal in me doesn't cradle it's young but eats them. Not both. This animal sleeps for months and gets up and kills everything and eats it even it's own babies. I run in a pack and I don't forget where my place is. And I fucking like it that way. Are you walking away yet? I said something I wanted to say. Look at that. Finally. I wonder if you were already walking away.
Caroline, guess what? No difference between living and dying. That's what makes us unkillable. Guess what? I know you love me anyway but I can't just give all this to you because you already have it. You said you see yourself in me. Fucking right you do. That's the only thing I got. I'm you just scrambled. Sicker. Weaker. Dumber. And I like it that way. I know my place. Leave me there. Don't make me better than I am. I don't see anything, Sis. I don't see anything you don't see. Except maybe one. Had a dream you were cutting off the tails of foxes and hanging them up like decoration. Don't do that.
I'd kiss you with all the lights you want me to if I knew what the hell you were talking about. If I have lights like you said I hope there's only two or just one. I wish I was simpler. It should be easy to love me I want it to be easy. Yeah I make it easier. It should be easy. Nothing I wrote here seems very easy and I don't like saying stuff like this out loud because what's the point? KISS. LLSS. Words to live by. That being said I don't keep my head down. Not ever. I'll look it in the eye, whatever is coming to me. Shit, eve don't you know I love you more than anything? You say you do but I don't know.
I don't see anything. I feel Nick trying to crawl up my spine. That's about it. It's hot in here. Our mother? Our mother is dead. Caroline, guess what? Lets get the fuck out of here. Lets find a car and stain the highway red. Bet if I got the right blade and slit the right throat Jim would come and see us in the real desert. Naked indian and all.
Evie, God fuck. I love you.